30, Alone, and Apparently Sad
I don’t want to be 30 and alone says the 25-year-old with nothing going on. She only works for men, but if you ask her about anything else regarding her happiness she has nothing else for you.
I don’t want to be 30 and alone says the 21-year-old who is a little melancholy. She says things like “we all want to be held” why so jaded sis? As if a 30-year woman is completely alone and isn’t being held, sexed, and courted on a regular and everyday basis.
These melancholic, angsty, pathetic takes are what makes other women rush to get into relationships, engaged, and married. Their sadness regarding your 30-year-old life is what make life seem unbearable. They punish you for doing an inevitable thing like age and I am here to tell you that all of this noise from society is propaganda. I hate that I even have to tell you it is propaganda. I hate that many of us have to prove that we are happy, sexually satisfied, and loved.
In an article written by Shani Silver, she says the following, “It was never really me telling me to “complete” myself, it was society that said it.”[1] Think about it, since day one the world has told women that they are incomplete and the only way that we can complete ourselves and be valuable is through a partnership with men. Yet, if you truly think about it, what better way to keep power in men’s hands then to invent this concept that completion requires husband and kids. Hear me out! If you persuade a group since birth to replace the goal of world domination with the goal of partnership what type of person will you create? They won’t be hungry for top positions, instead, they will be neutral leaders willing to let go of their dreams over their partners.
Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche (though I do not like her assessment of Trans women and her need to make a demarcation between cis/trans), has a powerful quote. She states “Because I am female I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we (women)teach to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same?” The answer is power. If you distract a powerful group and replace world domination with a partnership, then you have no threat and that is exactly how this society wants to work. It wants to distract you with race, class, and gender dynamics so that you won’t rise up into your power and create real change in the world or new inventions in the world.
All-day every day the world tells women to point the fingers at themselves. Most 20 somethings are angry about it and push against this concept. Yet, you all don’t extend this grace to women 30 and over. You tell them that they must be scarred, damaged, and too picky and that is why they aren’t partnered. Or you subtly tell them with that I don’t want to be you aka “ I don’t want to be 30 and alone”.
Most women who are 30 have focused primarily on their happiness and we now see the results of that. According to, (Kutob 2017 et. al.,)[2] single women tend to have lower risk associated with smoking and alcohol, lower BMI, and smaller waist. Now traditional markers like marriage and raising children that were associated with happiness no longer associate with happiness. Not only that, according to Paul Dolan, the healthiest and happiest population subgroup are women who never married or had children. [3] Dolan states, “You see a single woman of 40, who has never had children — ‘Bless, that’s a shame, isn’t it? Maybe one day you’ll meet the right guy and that’ll change.’ No, maybe she’ll meet the wrong guy and that’ll change,” he said. “Maybe she’ll meet a guy who makes her less happy and healthy, and die sooner.”[4] So, the pity and the shame should be directed elsewhere. Perhaps at the men who never work on themselves and carry such a burden that when they partner they literally kill their wives due to the stress and ineptitude.
Now, I am no advocate for being alone. That is why I preach having a life. I don’t think you should stop dating. I think romance can be fun, but let’s take a look at what we do when we shame other women. Let’s realize that we too will be 30 plus one-day and there is a possibility that you will be left with yourself. Let’s ask ourselves truly, with daycare cost, earlier deaths, and an increase in BMI is being single so bad?
In 2017, Tracee Ellis Ross gave a great speech at Glamour magazine discussing where she is in life. Here is the excerpt below:
“[I] is really interesting to be a woman and to get to 45 and to not be married yet and to not have kids — especially when you have just pushed out your fifth kid on Television.
I grew up planning a wedding. My dress was going to be corseted with multiple victorian camisoles spilling off my shoulders and I would change into a white double breasted suit with big cuffs for the reception. And then I’d dreamed about being chosen by a powerful and sexy and kind man who had full lips and gave really good hugs. And having a little baby boy. But I also dreamed of winning an Oscar, being on the cover of magazines and making a difference in the world — and helping women find their voices. And from that dreaming I’ve built a really incredible life and I’ve become a woman I’m really proud to be.
And then someone just walks up to you and is like, ‘You know, a friend of mine adopted at 52. It is never too late for your life to have meaning, sweetie!’ And my worth just gets diminished as I am reminded that I have failed on the marriage and the carriage counts.
Me — this bold, liberated, independent woman. I work out, I eat well, I mostly show up to work on time. I’m a good friend, a solid daughter, a hard worker, my credit’s good, I take out the garbage before it gets smelly, I recycle and I’ve won a golden globe!
I mean, I’m killing it! So why do I get snagged this way? As if all that I’ve done and everything that who I am doesn’t matter. And I look back and I think about all the ways that we’re told those two hashtag goals #beingchosen and #havingkids are what makes you worthy.”
Let’s not snag women anymore. Let’s embrace that the social trajectory is slightly changing. Let’s remember that this type of life is a happy life, just like a life with marriage and children can be one. Let’s allow space for these women, for me as a woman, because soon you will do the inevitable thing and age.
Survey
https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/X79MNYV
[1] https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2018/10/213027/single-in-your-30s-acceptance
[2] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28072926
[3] https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert
[4] https://www.harpersbazaar.com/uk/culture/culture-news/a27606192/women-happier-without-marriage-and-children/
