Energy Vampires and Energetic Boundaries

Today is a really great day. You are at brunch with your friends and it has been nothing but laughter. You all decide to go to a day party after brunch. As you all are planning, one friend states that another friend plans to join you at the day party. You say great and you can’t wait to meet this new hopeful friend. Her friend arrives and instantly the vibes are off. She says hello but with a hint of judgment. She barely attempts to engage. She plays on her phone. Does she ask the person who invited her if she wants to leave? Slowly, the laughter and joy turn to slight irritation. No one knows why but suddenly the fun they were having taper. One person entered their circle and could shift their energy from joy to irritation.

As a teenager, your parents decide to allow you and your sibling to stay home. All-day you’ve been getting along. You all laughed together, watched TV together, and even cooked for one another. One parent comes home with the frustrations of the workday. You notice that once they arrive, you and your sibling are fighting. The environment turns harsh and suddenly everyone is in their room with the door shut.

Every relationship is an energy exchange. Some exchanges add, match, and withdraw from our energy. Often, we are unexpectedly withdrawn from and are left irritated, drained, sad, and melancholic. Sometimes people want to draw you in so that you can feel their mood. Both exchanges are the product of energy vampires. Energy vampires, “do more than drain your physical energy. The most malignant ones can make you believe you’re unworthy and unlovable. Others inflict damage with smaller digs to make you feel bad about yourself.[1]”

In an environment where there are political unrest and a global pandemic, people cannot afford to give their energy unwillingly to an energy vampire.

The Non-listener with Narcissist traits

· This relationship is one-sided. Every time you meet with this person they have a long story about what happened to them. They never ask you “how are you?” They are too self-absorbed to care. When you try to insert yourself they either distract themselves, play on their phone, blame it on attention span (even though they had enough focus to talk about themselves), or are unresponsive. You often leave each conversation feeling used and irritated.

The Controller

· You often recognize this person in group dynamics. They want to control all dynamics of the group and will get upset if they aren’t in control. These controllers come in two forms:

1. The suggester-This person tries to dictate the group. They often try to sway the group to do what they want and are upset if the group does not follow it.

2. Unfriendly & Insecure-This person does not like new people. When there are introduced they purposely cause discomfort by refusing to engage.

The Victim[2]

· You will notice this vampire quickly. They tell you many stories and they are always the victim. They often don’t have friends long. They feed on sympathy, which is why they will never attempt to solve their problem nor will they take your suggestions.

The Moper

· The moper does not tell you how they feeling, instead, they mope around until you ask them “what’s wrong?” They thrive on attention and will try to ruin the mood until they get that attention.

Typically, you should limit contact with energy vampires. However, some energy vampires are friends with your good friends, coworkers, bosses, and family. Unfortunately, you have to be around them; however, you do not have to allow them to zap your energy. To protect yourself you must develop energetic walls. Below are some effective ways to build an energetic wall:

· Erect an energetic wall by keeping your energy high. As an adult, you must require people to articulate their feelings. As a friend, you can’t do the work for people. When you do gauge and try to figure out what is going on, it can evolve into codependent behavior where you feel you have to constantly intuit your friend’s needs. That is a boundary you can erect and decide that you are unwilling to do. You can’t probe until someone is willing to express themselves. So, ignore the energetic pull and keep working on your task or enjoying yourself. You can also, employ others to help you do this.

o For example: when a friend is sad at a fun event you can engage with strangers to keep your energy high. You don’t have to meet your friends in their energetic lull.

· Understand that people are aware of their environment. They know a party, a fun happy hour, a birthday party is not the time to delve into emotional depths. If it is too exciting or joyful for them, they know how to take themselves out of the equation and stay home. They are adults and should know how to self soothe. The expectation that someone should be highly aware of their needs, should probe, or cultivate an environment for them to open up.

· Call it out. Do not allow bad behavior to continue. If you are engaged with a non-listener, simply tell them we will have to end this friendship if you are unable to be a listening ear to me. Or you can say the following, “ it is unfair for you to unload on me without asking.”

o Mopers- A compassionate response is, “I realize you are upset now, but this environment does not facilitate this type of discussion. We should have fun now and talk about this at a better time.” Or if they chronically do this, You can simply state your mood is impacting others, do you want to meet us at another time when you feel up to it?

[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-freedom/201101/the-5-types-emotional-vampires-in-your-life

[2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-freedom/201101/the-5-types-emotional-vampires-in-your-life