Four Ways to Fight Fear
“The other side of fear is bliss”-Will Smith
“‘Why would I think about missing a shot I haven’t taken?’”-Michael Jordan
Beyoncé, like Michael Jordan, inspires you to reach for the stars. Whenever you see them perform, you feel compelled to put your best effort. One day, you watch their special. Afterward, you set aside an hour to outline your goals. You feel excited about the possibility. The first couple of days you work diligently at these goals and you feel great. After the first week, you slow down your progress. The next week you start strong, but by Wednesday you no longer feel inspired. The third week you knew you should have worked on your goals, but you just didn’t have the energy to work at it. Finally, by the end of the month, you’ve completely forgotten about your goals and you have no clue why.
At first, you thought it was laziness, but you’ve seen yourself achieve a goal before, one that wasn’t as fulfilling, so you know that isn’t it. Then, you thought it was the goal. You’ve read in a book before that if the goal doesn’t inspire you, then it is hard to stick with the plan. Still, you’ve completed goals that you’ve hated, so that can’t be the issue. After sessions with your therapist, you realize it is your internal meter that hinders you from going after what you want. Your negative childhood messages show up in your life, and it manifests itself as fear and self-sabotage.
Fear is a powerful force that can sneak up on you. It is a response that warns or protects you from danger. Its sole purpose is to help you survive. Since we aren’t hunter-gatherers nor farmers, the fear is no longer triggered by large animals or warring tribes. It is more often misused, cultivated, and manufactured by capitalism to inspire you to purchase. However, there are only a few instances for which we’ve used fear to do its real job of protecting us from an earlier death.
Our thoughts are very powerful. They are so powerful that we used them to create music. They are so powerful that we’ve organized imaginary structures to govern people. They can cause riots as much as they can cause peace. Yet, we act as though this power has no impact on your body. We recognize the power of thoughts externally, but we’ve just begun having a mainstream conversation on how these thoughts impact you internally. We are finally bold enough to say that our thoughts create prisons for our bodies. We can boldly say that our fear is so creative that it can produce a situation from nothing. It can use something that hasn’t personally happened to us nor will happen and convince ourselves that it will happen. It’s so powerful that we can use an imaginary story as an excuse to help us stop doing something good for us. Your mind is way more active than your reality and that is a fact that you will have to remind yourself of periodically.
So, how do you confront or change something so powerful that it created something so sinister as racism or sexism? How do you control a tool that can change the course of the world forever? You remind yourself of the facts. You find and understand that inner message. You do sensible or good actions even when you are afraid. Finally, you remind yourself that the fall doesn’t hurt, the explaining it does.
1. Remind yourself of the facts
a. Our minds are powerful, and if you let it go wild or rogue it can create whatever story you want and find data, and people to support it. So, instead of allowing it to go wild, review the facts.
b. Example: Your friend remembered that you were starting a consulting business. At her job, there is a particular need for the service you offer, so she decides to recommend you for the opportunity. She tells you about the situation and asks you to have a phone call with one of her clients. Instantly, your heart drops. You remember you hate calls. You remember the one time you stuttered so much that you faked a disconnect to get yourself together. You tell yourself that you aren’t ready to take clients. You tell yourself that you need to update your website. You tell yourself that you can’t do it.
In that instance, you have to go to the facts. The facts are you are skilled and you know what you are doing. Your friend knows your work, and would not suggest you if she did not believe in you. That one time you were anxious, you had a lot going on that day. You can prepare for this call by thinking of what-if questions. Your friend has worked with this client and can give you the ends and outs. You can practice the phone call with friends or on your computer. You know the client’s Linkedin profile and that can help you tailor your services. You can do a lot of research because there is a lot written about this client. Preparation and reminding yourself of the facts can help you thwart this voice.
2. Fight the Inner voice
a. The voice telling you aren’t good enough is not your voice, but an insult that was given to you by caretakers. You know that it was their hurt that was projected onto you, so why take ownership over something that isn’t yours? Reject these words, remind yourself that your self-hatred or low self-esteem is your caretakers’ insecurities and not yours. When the thought comes up remind it that it isn’t yours and with enough practice that voice will be silence.
3. Choosing sensible actions
a. You know if you put your hand on a hot stove, your hand will burn. You know if you move to a new city with no plan B, then you will be in a load of trouble if your Plan A does not work out. So, use actions that lead to a result. If you want savings, you have to save. That includes creating a budget, cutting your spending down, and having a savings account. Or you can get a job making more money so you don’t have to cut your spending habits, and filter the extra cash to your savings. However, you can’t swing it if you’ve never been in the habit of saving. You can’t operate how you’ve been operating, because in the past you lived paycheck to paycheck and that action alone tells you that you need to plan. So, stop living on hope or faith and start living on sensible actions.
4. The fall doesn’t hurt, the explaining does
a. When you did not get a promotion, did not get into a program, or didn’t start a relationship with the boy you were crushing on. You did not get the object you desired. Of course, that hurt, but what exacerbated the pain was explaining it to your friends, family, and associates. In your mind your community was ashamed of you, laughing at your pain, or happy that you were suffering. Though some may have been, I assure you that your mind is making their actions much worse than what they truly are.
Your mind can then take all of the negative soundbites from painful experiences in your past and circle them through your head. Your mind is your greatest support system, if you feel bad it will support you by making you feel worse. If you feel good, it will encourage you to seek more. Or if you feel good but hate yourself, it will encourage you to rip this moment away from you.
Your mind will support anything you think, so think about the other side of failure. Think about the fall and ask yourself seriously, will life stop if I don’t get this? Can I prepare my community, so that they won’t trigger guilt, shame, or low self-esteem in me? Can I tell them how I need support? Remember, when a kid falls that kid typically doesn’t cry until it has an audience. That is exactly how failure works, the fall isn’t hard, the audience, the mind, and the lies is where the pain comes from.
