I am not ok, and it is ok.
You are in the middle of a deadly pandemic that has resulted in 428,000 deaths worldwide. On top of that, you are defending the rights of Black people against the state. A state that has purposely structured itself to brutalize black people. You are also defending the rights of black people from the state and interpersonally as Black LGBTQ+ and Black Women die unceremoniously at the hands of our own community.
When you go to the grocery store, you are afraid someone has COVID and is unknowingly spreading it. When you walk down the street doing mundane things, you fear that you will meet a police officer who is excited to brutalize and kill you. Not only are they excited, they know they can get away with it, get paid leave, and become a millionaire because white and non-black people donate to your funds when you kill black people.
When you die, don’t be trans. When you die, don’t be a black woman. No one will march or cry for you. They’ll say “oh yeah!” and then ask if you can support black men because in their eyes that is what black is. Black is, black men. Despite its origin, Black Lives Matter is for Black Men. Women’s Marches are for white women. Pride is for the police. Trans people are white and if you are other, you don’t exist.
In their eyes, a world without black men is the worst consequence for the black community, while the death of black women and black trans people is an aside. We are a footnote to the movement. Then, we are gaslit when we speak up about it. We are told we have other things to worry about because the state is brutalizing us. The high rate of domestic violence and high mortality rate can wait, even if it is by the hands of those you defend.
For the most part, staying at home has been a refuge. However, the downtime keeps me engaged with the news at an unhealthy rate. The amount of stress I feel has resulted in unhealthy habits that layer on top of an already stressed mind, body, and spirit. I’ve found ways to ground myself, but at the same time, I haven’t. I flux from stability to instability and it is a jarring feeling. It scares me how much I don’t have a handle on myself, because for the past two years I have been having control over myself and my habits. I have been healthy. I have been positive. I have grounded myself. I have talked to myself positively. I’ve gotten to the point where I thought I was in control, but now I am not.
There is nothing to be ok about in this world and I understand the energy right now. You can’t just get by anymore. You have to be definite and active. You have to put yourself out there and fuck up the system because this type of lifestyle can be no more. We can no longer placate ourselves with consuming. We can no longer buy temporary solutions to keep us going in a faulty system. Buying black is not a solution, it is a band-aid to help keep us lifted. However, it does nothing qualitatively to change our current lifestyle. We have to put all of our energy into revamping the whole world because no one deserves to live like this. The vulnerable does not deserve this. So, do your part.
Finally, be ok with not being ok this year. If you are a bit fluffy right now, that is ok. If your mind is scrambled, that is ok. If you are constantly fearful, that is ok. If you have bad anxiety, that is ok. You can’t reach equilibrium in a system that is constantly killing you. You can’t find peace in a world that uses your labor and body, then yawns and shrugs once you are killed. Don’t find peace, use your unrest to destroy something that has been loudly killing you.
