Stop Being the Bigger Person on Dates

The other day I saw a tweet from a woman who stated if she went on date and the guy asked her to split the bill, she’d pay the whole bill to show she is a boss and a bigger person. I tried to understand her point of view, but I couldn’t. Why would you show someone who already undervalues you that you are a boss? Why would you show someone who already undervalues you that you are a bigger person? They already showed through their actions that you aren’t even worth a date to them; how do your actions disprove what the already believe to be true?

This mindset is rampant amongst the structurally oppressed. It keeps us in our place because it teaches you to extend grace when you are disrespected. It teaches you to show you are a good person when you already are! It teaches you to prove you are valuable to someone who does not see value in you. It teaches you to beg to be seen when their gaze and their validation does not matter. You have nothing to prove in general, but you especially have nothing to prove to a person who undervalues you.

A boss is a person who knows their worth. When CEOs and founders realize that they are undervalued they either ask for a higher salary or move to a company that will treat them better and pays them more. A boss doesn’t work harder to show that they are a boss, they’ve already proven it by virtue of their position. They are already worthy and that is why they were hired.

The reason why you are worthy, a boss, or whatever asinine thing you want to prove is because you’ve already confirmed that with yourself. When you try to convince people you are something, you show that you don’t quite believe that yourself. Why else would you pander to a person who gave you their ass to kiss?

Not only are you demonstrating that you don’t believe it, but you are also demonstrating the power they have over you. They know they will be able to control you by purposely invalidating you, and watching you squirm and try to convince them that you should be validated. Do you see how that works? They disrespected you and got something free from it. Do you see how you inadvertently open yourself to abuse by requiring validation from someone who doesn’t give a shit about you? They are dangling a carrot and you’re the donkey!

Instead of being the bigger person, you should aim to improve yourself. Ask yourself, what did they show prior to the actual date? Were the lackadaisical? Was there consistent communication? Did he plan it at the last minute? Did he ask in-depth questions prior to the date? The bad dating experience is a learning lesson, you begin to see that there are patterns and glaring signs.

Beyond checking for the signs, a moment where you are undervalued is a time to remind yourself of your worth. Someone else’s laziness has nothing to do with you. So, why internalize their bad behavior as a signal of your worth? Why even waste the energy, think of it as a failed experiment and test subject number 0002 was unsuccessful.